For the next 359 days, I will be writing entries under the title, ‘I AM TROY DAVIS.’ Moved to pick up the pen not merely by Troy Anthony Davis‘ death/execution, but more so by his life/evolution, I hope that there are those out there who can relate. If so, we must connect. We are already connected. Axé.
Knowledge doesn’t come from having books, it comes from reading them. And when you read them, you have to learn what is written; working with new concepts and ideas, gradually revising, and clarifying your worldview. Likewise, you can’t just have an experience, or face an obstacle/struggle to gain knowledge – you have to learn from it.
This is the world’s challenge.
Some days I feel like we are some of the dumbest beings on the planet. It seems that we are the only animal in creation that doesn’t know what to do with ourselves. Wearing costumes and driving cars we can’t afford, we party all night, and lose sight of our daily goals. Day after day, we walk around miserable, attempting to hide our pain from each other.
Days pass and we wonder where our time went. Then, we’re older, and we wonder where our lives went. I have probably spent more time in my life contemplating past mistakes, than I spend planning my future. This present moment is the only one that matters, yet I seem to consistently keep it at a distance.
Sometimes I am not even where I am, even if it’s where I need to be. Ideas and thoughts fog my mind like windshields in the winter. Fears spin their way into my sacred temple, leaving miles of cobwebs to trod through. Insecurity and self-doubt are twin-assassins, hitting their target with sniper-like precision. On days where I can’t seem to find the cruise control button, the slightest bumps on life’s highway can send me reeling like fishermen’s thread.
On other days, I feel stuck in neutral, coasting along at the pace of indifference to everything. I want to live without indifference, but it feels like my higher frequencies are frequently jammed; so, I stand, pierced by the crackling static of life.
We have GPS, but no sense of direction; fiber optics and satelites, but no communicaiton. There are more Black people with degrees than ever, but we can’t keep our brother’s out of prison. Black faces are seen at all levels of the political structure, but we couldn’t stop an innocent man from being executed on September 21, 2011. The gap between the haves and the have-nots is even wider than that gaping hole consumerism sliced out of the ozone layer in the name of ‘progress.’
And then there’s love: the oasis, the hope, the divine in us all. I couldn’t receive love until I could see that I was worthy of it’s attention. It may sound cliché to whoever is still reading, but as the great Stevie Wonder stated, ‘love’s in need of love today.’
We are all hurting in some way.
You just can’t throw money, or diamonds, or new shoes at internalized pain. Our justifications and rationalizations are empty; our tireless study and scientific advancements are futile, if we refuse to confront our own deepest shortcomings.
Love ain’t a movie script y’all. It’s a choice. Without it, we are not living, but rather, experiencing a gradual spiritual death. Until I could allow my wife’s love to leave me, for the first time, defenseless, I did not know God.
God is love. And, love is a powerful force that I now believe in deeply. The depth of my belief determines the depth of my faith. Our faith lives in the heart. I am determined to lead, and live, with my heart.
My name is Jonathan ‘Jbro’ Mahone, and I am one-half of (RAS) Riders Against the Storm. I AM TROY DAVIS.